You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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