Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
