Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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