Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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