I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
