woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
