So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
