Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I am morally bankrupt
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dicks are not precious.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
