I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize