but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
