do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
