i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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