Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
