i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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