I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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