Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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