Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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