Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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