I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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