i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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