you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
