I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize