My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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