My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
