Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So much Jack, so little girl.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
