she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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