he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
