No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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