My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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