My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
