sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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