So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I understand Curling. That high.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
