I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
