I looked at my own cervix.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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