the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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