"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
