Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
