My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
