I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
