Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
