I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
