Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
