I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize