its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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