So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
