I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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