Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
