my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
