I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
