I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
