So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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