i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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