god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
