The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
