i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
