On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
