Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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