There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
