saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
