Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
