Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The adults are the big ones right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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