I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
