He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
