My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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