The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
