If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
