My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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