Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize