the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize